/anthro/ - Anthropomorphic

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Furgive the quality of this drawing, I just wanted something to go along with the chapter but I'm too tired to spend any significant amount of time. Next one will hopefully be better. Also I put it in .txt furmat. I'm not sure if it would be better to just copy and paste the text into the thread. Let me know what you think

looks promising

>>80222
Will read.

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>>80251
>Will read.

I'll make sure to read it sometime this week.

I just woke up and this morning will be gemmy, thank you OP

i will read this when i can
>.txt
i didnt knew you could upload those kind of files on here
i thought it was pics and vids only

@floof pin this and add it to the pages please.

Very interesting read! I'm not much of a reader myself but I was really enjoyed this. 
>Constructive criticism
I was going to say you should convert this into a PDF or something, because it being a txt file is a little bit annoying to read, since longer sentences end up going past the screen and I have to scroll to finish them. But then I realized you can just turn on word wrapping by clicking "furmat"... Wish I knew that befure I read the entire thing lol...  Still, I think a PDF version would be a bit easier to read, especially if you're on mobile.

I'll also admit I was trying kinda hard to scan fur any gramatical mistakes. 90% of the people on the 'foo don't know the difference between "you're" and "your" and it pisses me off, but you passed that test. Everything was written well in that aspect, though in line 352, I believe the word "loses" should be replaced with "lose".

Other than that, I'm not a writer myself, so I can't think of any really good advice to give lol

I'll spoiler the rest from here
You did a good job describing all the violence, lol. It really never felt like any character was attacked in the same way twice. The "gore" was really badass, I liked it, and while it was definitely pretty intense, it didn't feel very over-the-top or anything. The knight, (who I'm assuming is Arlo, as they're only referred to as Boone, which is maybe their last name?) is also cool, without being a super edgy or overpowered. I think it's a good choice to show how close they were to getting killed by the Overseer, it makes them not feel like they're invincible. The also show genuine care fur their comrades, which is nice to see, it makes them more likeable than if they were just some cocky egotistical asshole who was lucky to be gifted those god powers lol. The Overseer was cool too, you had mentioned that the queens wouldn't be making an appearance so early in the story, so it was cool to see them be mentioned. I'm assuming that the Overseer is some type of node, given the ears and horns. I didn't know they could grow to be 50' tall though, lol. I had assumed the queens would be the biggest of their race, it makes me wonder what their relationship is with the Overseer. I kinda visualized it as being more feral than the queens given it chases after the knight on all fours. I will say it's a little bit hard to visualize a human taking down a 50' monster the way the knight does, lol. I mean, that's really big, and I'm assuming the knight is probably about 7-ish feet tall, given he's about a foot taller than the captain, who I would assume is probably on the taller side themselves. But she was really cool, and very threatening. Your universe sounds pretty terrifying to live in, lol... It was also neat that that pink creature with the shapeshifting abilities showed up, since I remember you mentioning they had that ability in one of the art threads I think. When it was revealed that the captain was an impostor, I immediately knew which character of yours was behind it.

I'm very interested to read more! I don't have many questions, since I'm assuming most will be explained at the story progresses. Please continue! But take your time as well

I'm excited fur when the queens show up, lol. If they're even half as terrifying and cruel as the Overseer, I know I'll love them

>>80302
She's supposed to be 50 feet away, not 50 feet tall lol. That would be a bit absurd. I'll try to change it to make that more clear.

>>80302
>I'll also admit I was trying kinda hard to scan fur any gramatical mistakes. 90% of the people on the 'foo don't know the difference between "you're" and "your" and it pisses me off, but you passed that test. Everything was written well in that aspect, though in line 352, I believe the word "loses" should be replaced with "lose".
Yeah, it was late and I was trying to finish it up befure I went to bed. Looking though it, there are some spelling mistakes but nothing major.

I'm not sure if you can post pdfs to the 'foo, but I'll try.

I'm glad you enjoyed it! The next chapter will be focused on the Elanian perspective, hopefully you'll find that interesting.

>>80305
Lmao, my bad. I went and reread that part. I might've confused "50 feet ahead" fur "50 feet above". I've always had kinda a bad habit when it comes to reading, I misread something and it just sticks with me. Theres a lot of video game characters who I would read their name wrong once and never realize I was wrong until I beat the game lol, so that's on me. I don't think a change is necessary, but maybe include something like "She was nearly twice Kyle's height" (or however tall she is) or something when she is strangling him. That definitely would've made me realize sooner lol. I think in one of the art threads you mentioned one of your early designs fur the queens had one of them be 20 feet tall, so a 50 foot tall node didn't seem completely impossible to me I guess. I definitely agree that would be absurd lol. My apologies

>>80221 (OP) 
I don’t have time to give my full thoughts since in posting this on my lunch break so I’ll just ask a question fur now:
Are there gonna be any space battles? I’m assuming the nodes are aliens.

>>80321
>Are there gonna be any space battles?
No, though there will be something similar
>I’m assuming the nodes are aliens.
Yes and no

>>80221 (OP) 
Just finished reading it, what did I think?
I liked it. A solid 6/10, and that’s a good score (most people horribly warp their out of ten scale.) I’m looking furwards to more, and seeing you improve.

I’d love to see some of your art alongside the writing- I was mentally referencing your style whenever things were described. Going down the PDF route fur distribution would make that easy, if you like the idea. At the very least get away from the text file. Plaintext is annoying fur a few reasons- furmatting and spellcheckers in common programs they get opened in. maybe see about getting it onto one of these writing/fanfiction websites? I don’t know enough about them to really say if that’s a good idea.

I’ll preface this next section by saying I’m not even a writer, so don’t trust anything I say. I do read a fair bit, but notably not online stuff, with the rare exception of “critically acclaimed” web-novels that get furmatted as books (which this is obviously going to become! I’m an OG fan.) This struck me as higher quality than most writing I see online.

Thoughts:

I read the whole thing in one go.  The plot was interesting, not too obvious, and I was excited to find out what was going to happen. The twists were good, the abruptness of the deaths and the Captain reveal really worked fur me- a lesser work would have made these too obvious befure they happened. The characterisation of Boone, the squaddies, and the Captain, were all good. I was interested in finding out more about the human society and its history.

There was a general (and much appreciated!) avoidance of cliché and cringe. The weakest bit, IMO, was the fight with Varg and the Overseer (although I liked their characters!). Struck me as a bit more generic and repetitive than the rest. I’d like something a bit more clinical and shorter. The fighting in the trenches also suffered a little from this, could have done with a bit more variety. I think the aliens worked best right at the start, as a more mysterious threat. I’d try and maintain that a lot longer.

The stakes never felt quite high enough. I don’t know how I’d fix this, and it’s a common problem with most media, so don’t take it personally. I was never in doubt that Boone would be ok in the end, the base didn’t feel very important, and the aliens didn’t feel like the large scale threat they obviously are. Are you going to have more protagonists? That could help. I’d have liked more of a focus on the “bigger picture”- the jamming of all communications is interesting and was kind of hand waved away here. It’s a little unrealistic that such an action wouldn’t put everything into maximum alert and trigger countermeasures.

More of a focus on the technical stuff would be appreciated by the autism community- there’s mention of weapons and tanks but nothing much except a name. I find it really interesting when the physics and engineering behind things serve as plot points.

More technical:
A few typos, but not many and overall pretty good on that front. Ones I could find on a second skim:
Line 40: relived.
Line 45: signaled.
Line 311: hell.
Line 324: that he could actually did. (?- only bit that genuinely confused me.)
Line 326: whole.

There were a few sentences that seemed strangely worded, but that could just be me. Fur example, line 4 “ordered security be heightened” sounds off. I’d probably say “ordered that security be heightened”. A few other things like this, and the occasional “clumsy” sentence. Not got any specific examples but most times I thought “that was a bit clumsy” it was from a repeat of the same words or word too soon after each other, or use of redundant adjectives.
Finally there’s possibly some more grammar stuff that I really don’t know enough about, sorry. Mainly about use of quotation marks and punctuation. I’ll look into this myself.

Some of the dialogue was a bit clunky and unrealistic, but only some- most of it was good. Never broke my immersion. Well done on avoiding shitty exposition in sci-fi. At a select few points you just verged on namedropping things fur the sake of it. That’s a big contributor to the unrealistic dialogue- eg. Overseer saying “Of course she did, she’s one of the Chosen.”  I think the aliens could probably do with talking much less in general, at least in an initial confrontation like this. It cheapens them.

Possibly too much description of visuals/ adjective spam at times- description of knight stood out as overdone. The redundant adjectives are back- oily black, great magnitude. The colours of every detail isn’t important right now!  I thought the introduction and more gradual reveal of the Captain was much better, as a loose comparison. I prefer it when details are revealed gradually and where it is relevant to something else.

I didn’t like the use of onomatopoeia. eg. BOOM!!! It strikes me as amateurish. You can achieve similar effects within an actual sentence through clever use of words. The descriptions of what caused the sounds could also be much more vivid- I think the onomatopoeia are hindering your writing ability.

>curb stomping into dirt.

>sci-fi.
>Imperial measures.

I really hope that wasn’t too harsh- you should be very proud of creating this. I read the whole thing, which I normally don’t (I CANNOT bring myself to read the chudcel life story), and will absolutely be here to read the next chapter.

“Flame” song that came on by coincidence while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCnebZnysmI

Also I'd like to draw some fanart fur this, probably sometime around Christmas. Bit busy at the minute to do it justice.

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>>80340
>most people horribly warp their out of ten scale
I agree, people give out 9s and 10s too easily. A 6 is slightly above average in my books, good enough fur a first furay. 

>I’m looking furward to more, and seeing you improve
I'm glad to hear it, I hope to receive more feedback to really make it the best it can be.

>I’d love to see some of your art alongside the writing-
My only concern would be that it could impact my schedule if I spend too much time drawing and not enough writing. I will see if I can include some drawings, maybe just some black and white pictures to simplify things.

>maybe see about getting it onto one of these writing/fanfiction websites?
I signed up fur an AO3 account, but it says it'll take until around the 17th befure I receive the invitation. That will probably be better, though I also feel like some people may be dissuaded away if I am just linking to another website.

>I was never in doubt that Boone would be ok in the end, the base didn’t feel very important, and the aliens didn’t feel like the large scale threat they obviously are.
That's alright, the prologue is more so meant to setup the overarching background conflict of the setting. The real focus will come later.

>Are you going to have more protagonists?
There will be three different characters we see the perspectives of through the story. That is actually a concern of mine, that the next chapter will be a bit of surprise to most people. Hopefully a welcome one.

>I’d have liked more of a focus on the “bigger picture”
There will be more focus on the political and command side of things in later chapters. I wanted to start small befure working our way to the top. The blackout will have more relevance as well to the overall plot.

>More of a focus on the technical stuff would be appreciated by the autism community
I wanted to keep it light at first since the tank and tripod were mostly just background material. They'll get more description when they become more relevant.

>I think the aliens could probably do with talking much less in general, at least in an initial confrontation like this. It cheapens them.
I understand that. I wanted to show that they weren't just mindless unfeeling monsters and that they had personalities of their own, though maybe I could have gone about it another way.

>I didn’t like the use of onomatopoeia
I agree, it does feel amateur. I think I was just tired and not thinking straight, I didn't use them nearly as much in my older draft. I'll be sure to avoid it as much as possible in the future.

>I really hope that wasn’t too harsh- you should be very proud of creating this.
It was not harsh at all, I greatly appreciate the feedback and the compliments! I would only be sad if the feedback I received was just "lol this sux kys" or something else along those lines. If you have something meaningful to say that could help me improve, I am happy to hear it.

>Also I'd like to draw some fanart fur this
I would be ecstatic if you did! This is the part I am happiest about the most while doing this, to finally give some personality to the characters I've shown so people can really get to know them. I will try my best to create plenty of memorable moments and characters to be worthy of receiving fanart.

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>>80321
Almost furgot to come back to this befure I went to sleep.

I liked it a lot. I found myself yearning to know what happens next. The writing and story are a lot better than my fanfic, which I'll cope with by saying mine is SUPPOSED to be bad since it's a shitpost or something lol.

Uh, I don't really know what else to add. Grammar issues are easy to solve. Fur onomonopia, I would only use it sparingly fur big events like a nuke going off or something, idk I'm not an expert writer or anything.

tldr plz continue this gemmy story

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>>80428
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, I think there is a place fur both silly and serious stories. One isn't necessarily superior, though some may prefer one over the other.

I am very pleased with the reception so far, thank you all fur giving it a chance. I hope you will continue to enjoy future chapters.

I have read through the first chapter, and my man it's peak.

You did a great job of focusing on characters that will have impact, I think the decision to make the commander less personal was a good one. While the twist was not a "betrayal" it still felt important. However one change I would do is have the commander die but turn into lesser creature that boone can slay. It kinda doesn't make sense if this creature can kill everyone, but orders the base to do a suicide hole. I assume it sent boone out to the woods to get killed, because it's afraid I assume. So having it be dangerous enough to kill the troops, but bested by boone makes a little more sense. It would also tie in nicely with his escape he slays the impersonator, realizes everyone is dead, and escapes. However that is just my opinion

>>80436
I considered having more infiltrators, weaker ones he could kill. But the one in the story couldn't be killed here.

Just read it wasn’t expecting body horror. As fur thoughts firstly the text was fluffed up fur me, “ and ‘ was converted to a bunch of symbols and made reading hard. Also don’t furget your Reddit spaces and such in between scenes. 
Fur writing critique I didn’t realize the POV switched to Boone from one of the soldiers until a good while into the furest scene. Also don’t furget your exposition of your characters and locations, if I didn’t have your art to go off of I would’ve struggled to imagine what the knight or the aliens looked like. The first half was eh 4/10 I felt the casual dialogue was clunky but you were a lot stronger when the action started in the second half. Also scene transitions, I’m not sure if I just missed them but I felt like they weren’t there.
Fur what I liked I didn’t expect the existential/body horror but I’m all fur it did not expect you to go full body snatchers/the thing either. Really almost gives me Lovecraftian vibes fur humanity’s position in this.
Fur questions, is this like a surprise attack from the aliens? The vibe + the fact the soldiers seemed to be there to put down human rebels on the planet makes me think so.

>>80774
Also is boone an alien working with the humans or is he human?

>>80775
It sounds like Knights are humans that were gifted some mystical divine power by The Flame(god)

>>80774
>is this like a surprise attack from the aliens?
Yes, I figured that was kind of obvious but I guess not
>Also is boone an alien working with the humans or is he human?
I don't know what gave you the impression that he would be an alien but
>Knights are humans that were gifted some mystical divine power by The Flame(god)
^This pretty much

>>80784
Antenna coming from his head + supernatural abilities.
>Yes, I figured that was kind of obvious but I guess not
To be more specific is this like a Pearl Harbor event that we’re witnessing or do these kind of attacks happen all the time?

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>>80790
>Antenna coming from his head
The antennas are part of the helmet, picrel is just to show what I mean
>To be more specific is this like a Pearl Harbor event that we’re witnessing or do these kind of attacks happen all the time?
Nobody knew aliens existed befure this. The only attacks would rebel cells and holdouts from the Unification War

>>80793
The fact that its each side made me think it was alien antennas poking through a hole or something.
>Rebel cels
I’m assuming these are humans right? Probably ones that don’t confurm to the flame?

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Also looks like this fur me.

>>80796
>incompetent iBaby can't open text files
This is a skill issue.

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>>80774
About the furmatting, I only posted it in .txt furmat because I wasn't sure what else to use. I wrote it in word but not everyone may have access to .docx. I'll try posting it in .pdf furmat fur the next chapter.
>I’m assuming these are humans right?
Yes
>Probably ones that don’t confurm to the flame?
Mostly just that they want to maintain their autonomy. I don't want to go into too much detail about their society, you'll be able to see fur yourself soon enough.

>>80798
Okay so disregard what I said about furmatting then.

>>80262
Okay, I've read it. It was nice.
The writing is compelling, the scenes aren't very difficult to visually reconstruct. The grammatical structuring is fine fur a preview/draft/whatever you would consider this to be, nothing left to be said about the spelling errors here. The Halo influence is clear, not much to add there except that you seem to have understood what it was about at least on a superficial level, the environments and soldiers are pleasantly grounded and outside the realms of generic butt-syfy, I haven't read very much science fiction so I'm not all that qualified to talk much further on the intricacies.
I didn't like how needlessly confrontational the Captain was at the beginning; the only way that it makes any sense is if you interpret the ending scene as revealing that he was "compromised" all along, that does re-contextualise a lot of things but also raises questions about the competence of the human furces, toning his aggressiveness down would make space fur a little more ambiguity. The music sinew magic stuff was handled well fur an introduction to the concept - kept vague enough to build intrigue even with the background knowledge of your previous posts about it.

>>80901
I reread some of his dialogue and some of his mannerisms do suggest it was the entire time, like I think he addressed someone as “petty officer”. I’d expect disdain from like a drill Sargent or something but not from a captain, unless he happens to be a human hating xeno. Fur competence humans haven’t even encountered aliens yet I’d imagine if such a threat was known about they’d have countermeasures against getting body snatched.

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>>80909

>>80911
I did not serve personally so I’m not familiar at all with military banter. Good on the aliens fur understanding how to blend in however.

>>80912
As a man, you are legally required to be knowledgeable about military stuff… because you just are okay???

>>80914
Did you just assume their gender?

>>80930
misgendering on my site???

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Posted this in the art thread but realised it might have made more sense to put it here, oh well. Bump.

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Just giving an update, I'm waiting fur after the Christmas season to be over befure I post the next two chapters. I was also going to wait until after the next chudecel life chapter is posted since it seems a lot of people are eager to see that and I don't want to conflict releases

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>>85536

>>85536
>conflict
even tho my fic is like mcdonalds goyslop and yours is a gourmet meal.

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>>85537
Your patience will be rewarded in due time
>>85567
Your story is the spine-tingling kino that saved the foo. Since you just posted yours, I'll wait until the 3rd

>>85605
Bushy ahhh bihs 🌳
You should take the time to proofread so grammar Nazis don’t pick apart every little mistake

>>85567
I like eating both mcdonalds goyslop and gourmet meals.
>>85605
The muscles are really appealing and look realistic to me

>>85607
That's a good idea, also don't be too hard on yourself please a lot of people like your story
>>85612
Fur Sylva I wanted it to be unnatural, to show it's the result of augmentation